Our Sweet Little Lamb

Jeremiah

Stillborn May 24th, 2008 at 19 weeks

Due date - Today! October 23, 2008

 

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."  Jeremiah 1:5

We have chosen to celebrate this day, his due date, in honor of the precious life of our son, Jeremiah. He never took a breath outside of my womb but he lived!

Four months ago we were immersed in the unknown, seeing our baby on a sono screen with no heartbeat, delivering a stillborn, holding him for a short time and then burying our baby.  I have shared with you the heartaches, the tears, the joys, the blessings and the amazing love and grace of God. 

I have cried.  I have cried some more.

I have walked this journey one day at a time.  It has been a journey with sorrow and yet filled with joy knowing that Jeremiah is whole, complete!

I have grieved.  I have dealt with the emptiness of not being able to raise Jeremiah.  My thoughts are often taken to him.  I want to see him sleeping in the fourth and empty bunk-bed in the boys' room.  I want to watch him smile at his siblings, I want to read him Brown Bear Brown Bear, I want to sing Jesus Loves You to him, I want him to be with us as we "do life".  I miss him.

We had 8 perfect pregnancies and 8 perfect babies.  This was new territory for me.  Unexpected. 

I did not know how I was to feel or what to do with those feelings.  At times, it seemed so dark and I was so blind.  But God was saying to me, "I have you. Give it all to me.  Ashley, give it all to me.  Give me your hurt, your sorrow, your everything."  That is exactly what I did.

I gave it all to Him.  He held me when I was overwhelmed in sorrow, comforted me when I didn't understand, and wrapped His arms around me when I felt the loneliness.  And through it all, He has held my hand and lead me to the place He had for me.  A place closer to Him. Truly amazing.

To hurt, obviously, is painful.  But to be healed is quite refreshing.  The pain of my loss is gone, but there is always the scar to remind me that I am not the same person I was 5 months ago.  Jeremiah changed me.  Thank you, Lord!

The whole grieving process is difficult and even more difficult to describe.  I have grieved over the loss of our son.  I had to do that.  It has been part of the journey. But because of what Jesus did on the cross for me, I have hope.  And with that hope, I am renewed.  I do not have to continue life wounded.  

I am free in Christ Jesus. I am healed!

I have re-read all of your cards, emails, blog comments.  Thank you for your words of encouragement, your love, your hugs and your prayers on behalf of our family.  I am grateful for each one of you.

I can honestly say I am thankful for this road God has walked with me (never leaving me) and more than ever, I am thankful for our son, Jeremiah!  His little life has been life-changing for this little mama, I call, me!

SWEETLY BROKEN

To the cross I look, to the cross I cling

Of its suffering I do drink. Of its work I do sing,

For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed

Showed that God is love And God is just

Chorus:At the cross You beckon me

You draw me gently to my knees, and I am Lost for words, so lost in love,

I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

What a priceless gift, undeserved life

Have I been given

Through Christ crucified

You’ve called me out of death

You’ve called me into life

And I was under

Your wrath

Now through the cross I’m reconciled

Chorus:In awe of the cross I must confess

How wondrous Your redeeming love and

How great is Your faithfulness

by Jeremy Riddle

This song speaks to my heart.  I do cling to the cross.  I cling even more to my Jesus.  I can't imagine walking this without Him.  I can rest in His peace knowing that somewhere in a far away place, Jeremiah is smiling and probably dancing in the presence of our Lord.