Mourning... and now Dancing!

"You have turned for me my mourning into dancing"
Psalm 30:11


It was 3 years ago today that we birthed our son, Jeremiah.
Stillborn.
 4 months early.
He had been in my womb for 20 weeks.
He weighed 6.5 oz.
We held him.
I didn't want to let go.
He was beautiful and perfect in my eyes.
And in the eyes of the Lord.
What a privilege and honor to be his mommy!
I miss him.
I think of him often.
I wonder.
I love.


It was difficult.
It was painful.

It was in my suffering that Jesus entered my sadness.
He never left me.
He grabbed my hand and helped me to stand.
He asked me to dance.
And dance, we did!
Sweetness.

"You have turned for me my mourning into dancing"

Psalm 30:11

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you:
Before you were born I sanctified you;
I ordained you a prophet to the nations."
Jeremiah 1:5


We love you Jeremiah!

I Took A Walk Today

It wasn't a far walk.

BUT it was a difficult walk.
The final destination would be a mixture of emotions.
Emotions I was not sure I could handle - again.
Bitter-sweet.

It was uphill. A steep hill.

There were rocks. Lots of them.
I wanted it to be flat and clear of rocks.
Just like life - I like it to be easy with no complications.
Trial-free.

As I climbed, my thoughts were flooded with pain and heartache.
I hated what happened 2 years ago today - a complication.
Two years ago, today, I had given birth to our still-born son.
I was empty and experiencing unimaginable pain.
Sweetly-broken.

And then a peace and stillness came over me.
I was reminded of how the Lord carried me.
The Lord completely filled my empty and broken places.
He was (and still is) my comfort.
Perfect-Healer

I made it to the top. (the view from his grave)

It was still. The heavens shedding tears with a drizzle of rain.

It was a beautiful place.
I did not cry but I hurt and longed for my son, Jeremiah.

I love that his little body is buried on hill that we see daily.
I love that my Lord was/is committed to me - through it all.
I love Jeremiah!
I love my God!
I love - because He loved first.


Whether it's from miscarriage, a baby born with complications or a born still little one, we all share deep loss.
 Pain. Heartache. Hurt.
I pray the Lord fills your empty and broken places as He has done and is daily working in mine. He is the perfect Healer for our hearts.


What a glorious day it will be when we see Jeremiah again!

We love you always and forever, sweet baby boy. Thanks for being God's messenger to me of His unfailing presence. He had (and still has) big plans for you.

"a time to be born...a time to heal...a time to build...a time to mourn...a time to mend...a time to love..."
Ecclesiastes 3:2-4,7

We Miss You!

Jeremiah
Our Little Lamb

Stillborn May 24th, 2008 (at 19 wks)
Due Date - October 2008

This is the little box Brian and the boys built for his little body to rest in. We also tucked each of our letters and a small token of love in there.

He would be turning "1" and we would be celebrating BIG- Time with him.
He is in our thoughts and conversations often and has been throughout this past year. Definitely not forgotten around here.
We all love and miss that little guy!
We know Heaven is just that much sweeter with him there.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart." Jeremiah 1:5

I am so thankful for this journey even though it has been difficult.

(our family memorial service for him)

It has not been as painful as of late. I do still carry the scar (on my broken heart) of losing my son. However, it is a scar that reminds me, I am not the same person I was before Jeremiah entered my life (womb).
Jesus, through Jeremiah, changed me.
Thank You! Thank You, Lord!

A Family Celebration

And Get-away!

About two weeks ago, the children and I were talking about how Jeremiah's due date was coming.  Abbi said, "It sure would be nice to have another baby in our home.  I wish you were still pregnant with Jeremiah."  (Aww, me too!)  Hudson then said, "Mom, could we have a birthday party for Jeremiah?"  Absolutely! What a great idea.  Another way to celebrate his life. 

Here is what we did...

We packed our jammies, our pillows and a sleeping bag.  We piled into the car and drove 1.5 miles up the road to Big Canyon.  You heard right!  We were "guests" at Big Canyon Ranch.  No tasks to get done, no projects to start or finish, no cleaning.  Just some plain good old fashioned family fun.  And a Birthday celebration for Jeremiah!

  We started the evening with doing the Team Challenge Course at Big Canyon.

Ants on a Log

Disc Jockeys

 

Thanks Tess for helping set up. 

 

Swing to the discs without touching the ground.

 

 

 

Accomplished!!  Whoop Whoop!

 

Through the Spider Web

(no touching the rope)

 

Over the Wall

 

Stay Balanced - Get everyone on!

Sidenote: Just as I got on and we were all balanced, Tess(1 yo) came running over and jumped on the end. Tipped us all!

 

Dinner in the Yurt

(I know most of you don't know what a Yurt is. That will be in a post to follow. For now, you get a little peek of what it looks like inside.)

Fun Board Games and Cards in front of the fire in the Lodge

AND...

A birthday song and brownies for Jeremiah!

We had a great evening celebrating Jeremiah's life!  Thanks again for all the phone calls, emails, and comments.  What a great support you all have been. 

We love you, Jeremiah.  You are a big part of our lives and will never be forgotten!

Another sweet surprise!  Remember that Fall Give Away that I won?  Well, it arrived on his birthday.  And it sits beautifully on our table.

My sweet sister emailed me this letter on his birthday.  It says it all!

Dearest Jeremiah,

I am thinking about you today.  Today may have been the day we would have met you...had the Lord not had a BETTER plan.

Today may have been the day you would have met your mommy and daddy...had the Lord not had a BETTER plan.

Today may have been the day all eight of your beautiful siblings would have giggled and stood in line to hold you...had the Lord not had a BETTER plan.

Today may have been the day your Aunt Debbie would have cried and rejoiced for gaining a nephew...had the Lord not had a BETTER plan. 

So instead... today your Aunt Debbie cries and rejoices because God did have a BETTER plan.

God had a plan to take you for Himself before we knew you.

God had a plan to glorify Himself through your parents Faith and testimony of His goodness as they released you to Him.

God had a plan to grow the Faith of your siblings as they said good-bye to their baby brother.

God had a plan of many more things we may never fully understand... but we trust are for our good and His glory!

I miss you sweet nephew and I love you dearly...

With love,

Aunt Debbie

Our Sweet Little Lamb

Jeremiah

Stillborn May 24th, 2008 at 19 weeks

Due date - Today! October 23, 2008

 

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."  Jeremiah 1:5

We have chosen to celebrate this day, his due date, in honor of the precious life of our son, Jeremiah. He never took a breath outside of my womb but he lived!

Four months ago we were immersed in the unknown, seeing our baby on a sono screen with no heartbeat, delivering a stillborn, holding him for a short time and then burying our baby.  I have shared with you the heartaches, the tears, the joys, the blessings and the amazing love and grace of God. 

I have cried.  I have cried some more.

I have walked this journey one day at a time.  It has been a journey with sorrow and yet filled with joy knowing that Jeremiah is whole, complete!

I have grieved.  I have dealt with the emptiness of not being able to raise Jeremiah.  My thoughts are often taken to him.  I want to see him sleeping in the fourth and empty bunk-bed in the boys' room.  I want to watch him smile at his siblings, I want to read him Brown Bear Brown Bear, I want to sing Jesus Loves You to him, I want him to be with us as we "do life".  I miss him.

We had 8 perfect pregnancies and 8 perfect babies.  This was new territory for me.  Unexpected. 

I did not know how I was to feel or what to do with those feelings.  At times, it seemed so dark and I was so blind.  But God was saying to me, "I have you. Give it all to me.  Ashley, give it all to me.  Give me your hurt, your sorrow, your everything."  That is exactly what I did.

I gave it all to Him.  He held me when I was overwhelmed in sorrow, comforted me when I didn't understand, and wrapped His arms around me when I felt the loneliness.  And through it all, He has held my hand and lead me to the place He had for me.  A place closer to Him. Truly amazing.

To hurt, obviously, is painful.  But to be healed is quite refreshing.  The pain of my loss is gone, but there is always the scar to remind me that I am not the same person I was 5 months ago.  Jeremiah changed me.  Thank you, Lord!

The whole grieving process is difficult and even more difficult to describe.  I have grieved over the loss of our son.  I had to do that.  It has been part of the journey. But because of what Jesus did on the cross for me, I have hope.  And with that hope, I am renewed.  I do not have to continue life wounded.  

I am free in Christ Jesus. I am healed!

I have re-read all of your cards, emails, blog comments.  Thank you for your words of encouragement, your love, your hugs and your prayers on behalf of our family.  I am grateful for each one of you.

I can honestly say I am thankful for this road God has walked with me (never leaving me) and more than ever, I am thankful for our son, Jeremiah!  His little life has been life-changing for this little mama, I call, me!

SWEETLY BROKEN

To the cross I look, to the cross I cling

Of its suffering I do drink. Of its work I do sing,

For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed

Showed that God is love And God is just

Chorus:At the cross You beckon me

You draw me gently to my knees, and I am Lost for words, so lost in love,

I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

What a priceless gift, undeserved life

Have I been given

Through Christ crucified

You’ve called me out of death

You’ve called me into life

And I was under

Your wrath

Now through the cross I’m reconciled

Chorus:In awe of the cross I must confess

How wondrous Your redeeming love and

How great is Your faithfulness

by Jeremy Riddle

This song speaks to my heart.  I do cling to the cross.  I cling even more to my Jesus.  I can't imagine walking this without Him.  I can rest in His peace knowing that somewhere in a far away place, Jeremiah is smiling and probably dancing in the presence of our Lord.

4 Weeks to Go...

That is, if I were still pregnant. 

And for the record, I have never delivered on my due date or even before.  So, in reality it is more like 6 weeks.  However, we will never know.  So, I am going with the date given - October 23.  Wow!  Who knew that this journey would be a mixture of so much sadness and at the same time so much sweetness!?

So, let the question be asked again - - How am I doing?

"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all of their troubles.  The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."    Psalm 34:17,18

Ahh.  The closeness of God!  He is ever-so-present in my life.

I cry for the loss of our Jeremiah, somewhat often.  They are not uncontrollable tears but tears nonetheless.  I miss not feeling him kick in my belly.  I miss not feeling his hiccups when I am trying to go to sleep.  I miss the elbows poking me in the ribs.  I miss watching him grow as my belly grows.  I even miss the uncomfortableness I would be feeling at this point in the pregnancy.  My belly aches with emptiness.  I just plain ol' miss him.

When he was born, it felt as if the world stood still.  I soaked in the moment of holding my son.  Crying.  It was like a lifetime of love and memories all packed into one moment.  Oh, to have him in my arms again - I can't wait!!

I remember my prayers to God the night before we were to pick Jeremiah's body up from the mortuary.  "Oh Lord!  I am not asking you to fix this.  I just ask that you be ever so present in my life."  Within moments of asking that, I felt like I was drowning in His presence and His love.  I remember that night vividly.  Peace came over me.  It was as if He wrapped His arms around me, tightly.  And has never let go since.  God has shown me that when life seems so empty, He fills it up.  He does!  Really.  I have walked a journey with Him in a way that I could have never imagined.  What seemed so difficult at the time, has become such a blessing.  I am soooo thankful for our little Jeremiah.  It has been (and continues to be) an honor to walk this path with my Lord.

We continue to praise Him!!

8 Weeks Later...

How Am I Doing?

It was 8 weeks ago that we delivered our son, Jeremiah, prematurely.  He died in my womb at about 16 weeks gestation and I gave birth to him at 19 weeks.  Please click on "Jeremiah" on the side bar for more details of his sweet story.

So, how am I doing?

In all honesty, I miss my little man.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about him.  I desire to feel his little feet and elbows kicking in my womb.  However, I am in a peaceful place with the Lord.  He truly is my comfort and the healer of my very broken heart.  And for that, I am so thankful.  "Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4  The loss of Jeremiah is real and significant.  There are tears.  They will come and go.  I know that and I expect that.

When I found out I was pregnant, there was great excitement and with that, much anticipation of joy in raising this little blessing.  My heart loved and embraced this new little life.  And now those things have suddenly been quenched and my dreams with Jeremiah unfulfilled.

My broken heart has helped me (in a much deeper way) to discover Gods intimate love and infinite mercy.  His gentleness and His graciousness have come over me like none other.  He is my Redeemer, my Savior, my Abba (daddy)!

These past weeks have taken me to a place of deep prayer and worship with the Lord.  It seems as if I am fasting but in a different way, when my thoughts are taken to Jeremiah (which is often throughout the day), I am quickly taken to the feet of Jesus.  I just pray like a mad woman!  I love the fellowship that I am experiencing with God.

I love to talk about him.  I still shed tears as I share our story.  It has been an amazing journey.  Thanks for your continued love through all of this.

Blessings to you,

ashley

Jeremiah's tiny little hand resting on my finger.

 

Kindred Spirits

Laurie, Erin and Mandy!!

These 3 women are so special to me.

We have been getting together for about 6ish years now. We get together to encourage one another in many areas of life: our walks with the Lord, our marriages, motherhood, homeschooling, and just life. Oh how I cherish each one of them. (Laurie also wrote about our time.)

One year, Mandy taught the other 3 of us to crochet. So, when we get together, we are usually crocheting while we visit. Out of that, we started a very sweet tradition: Whoever has a baby gets a blanket from the other 3. We each crochet 1/3 of a blanket with whatever color, stitch and pattern we want and then we pass it to the next person and they choose whatever they want to do. And so on. Then the baby recieves a very unique and special blanket with much prayer and lots of love "crocheted" into it.

Well, we got together last night. It was the first time since I had miscarried Jeremiah. While we talked, they crocheted - somewhat secretly. By the end of our time together they presented me with the sweetest little blanket for Jeremiah. Oh, I love it!!!

Thank you, Friends!! Love you all.

Remember

REMEMBER...

It was three weeks ago that we said "hello" and then "goodbye" to our sweet son, Jeremiah. Oh, the heartache of losing a child! But, Oh the joy of walking through this with the Lord being ever so present has been amazing. Friends and family ask me how I am doing. I am doing great. I really am! I still have my sad moments and I do think often of Jeremiah. There are things that remind me that I am no longer pregnant and I won't be nursing or cuddling my son and sometimes I cry and sometimes I just think of him, either way I am so quickly reminded of God's presence in my life and His goodness.

I had no idea how much grieving took place when experiencing a miscarriage. You would think it should be fairly easy. Afterall, you didn't really know the child. Or I suppose there are those who might think that dealing with a miscarriage would be simpler for a woman with as many children as I have. The truth is...it’s not. Oh my, yes, I am so thankful for each one of my children. Each are so unique and a blessing from God - truly! I do not take for granted what we have. But, I still have sadness for the one we didn't get to bring home and watch grow. I am so thankful for this experience with Jeremiah. All the more, I know the sadness women and families go through when dealing with a miscarriage. It is due to the loss of this precious life, that I cherish the ones I do hold and nurture - even more!

( My awesome sister gave me the Willow "Remember" statue in remembrance of Jermiah ~ so sweet! )

The Wilderness

God uses the wilderness to bring His people to a worship. I believe I am in the wilderness. Your wilderness can be anything. The loss of my sweet Jeremiah is the reason for my wilderness. I am finding that as I grieve and as I cry tears of pain, I am drawn deeper in with my Savior. Oh what a great place to be! I cry out my pain and sorrow and how I long to hold my son. In this crying out, there is no anger (at least of yet) or why me, why Jeremiah, why now? I am only reminded of how holy and how awesome our God is.

"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation. He is my fortress, I will never be shaken. " Psalm 62: 1,2

I then realize how consumed I am by His love and find myself thanking Him for all that has happened. I have a great joy in knowing that Jeremiah is with God and that He is going to use Jeremiah's precious life for His glory. I definitely have my sad moments. And they are all good! I fully trust that God is in control. He knows exactly what He is doing. I can only see a glimpse of the big picture ~ He sees it all!

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him,

so that you may overflow with hope

by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Romans 15:13

Raise Your Hands...

Raise your hands (women) if at the end of your 9 months being pregnant and wearing maternity clothes, you can not wait to put those clothes away. My hand is raised. Well, yesterday, I was in my closet with full intent of putting away my maternity clothes. As I began folding the stretched and well worn with a mix of new and really cute clothes (things my mom had surprised me with on Mother's Day), I was overtaken with sadness, once again. I could not finish the job I had set out to do. SO, I tried again today. My thoughts were still taken to Jeremiah and how I longed to be his mommy here on earth. I quickly changed my thoughts to how weak I am and all that God is. How my strength comes from Him (especially when I am weak). I began to think on all that He Is. Here is what came to me - -

He Is...

the Beginning and the End

maker of the heavens

the Bright and Morning Star

Breath of all creation

Alpha and Omega

Always was and is to come

the One who walked on water

the One who calmed the seas

Author and Perfector

the Holy Lamb

the fount of the Living Water

the Healer of the broken

Saviour and Redeemer

the King of kings

He is Mighty God, my Father...

WOW!

He is everything and without Him I am nothing.

I am thankful for His love and His presence in my life.

Thank You!

This box and items were provided by the hospital.

In it was a receiving blanket, his hospital bracelet, a disposable camera, measuring tape and a stuffed animal -- a lamb.

A lamb for my Little Lamb #9.

I am thankful for each one of you!

I have read all of your comments and have been encouraged by all of them. Thank you so much for taking the time to leave a comment and keeping our family in your prayers. We have been blessed by so many of you with meals, cards, emails, blog comments, phone calls and prayers. Thank you! Thank you!

Wednesday (28th) was a milestone for me. I felt an overwhelming sense of peace. There was joy to have his precious body in our home (for a short time) and then his memorial service that night was just another part of the healing process. The night before we were to pick up his body from the mortuary, I just laid in bed and cried ~ uncontrollably. I could not stop. I had so many mixed emotions of all the things that had taken place and also the things that were to come. I began to pray. I asked God not to fix my situation but to just be present. Oh my goodness!! It was at that point, I knew He was with me and I felt as if I was bathing in His love. His love overflowed and I just wanted to drink it all in.

Oh the peace!

I quickly jumped out of bed and began writing in my journal, as fast as I could, all of the things God was showing me and confirming in my heart. Oh to be in the presence of God!

I climbed back into bed, snuggled into the arms of my husband and fell fast asleep.

"Lunatic Mommy" Moment (yet another): Ever since I delivered Jeremiah, I have not wanted my belly to go away. It as if I want everyone to see it. How absurd is that? I know in the past, after having a baby full term, my first thought is - - Belly, Go Away!! I found it so strange that that is not the way I have felt this time and could not figure it out. It came to me yesterday why... My belly is the last physical evidence of Jeremiah. I have no baby in my arms, I am not nursing so I want the whole world to see the place where Jeremiah was "fearfully and wonderfully" made. The place where he resided for 19 weeks.

Certificate of Remembrance

His hand prints on the left and footprints on the right

All of You are a blessing to me!

Thanks again and blessings to each of You!

Sweet Service

May 28, 2008

Oh Sweet Jeremiah!
Today was the day we buried our precious little man. I loved having him in our home for the day even though there was no cuddling or kissing. It was just nice to have him.

Brian and the boys made a place for him on top of the hill that is directly in front of our house. We can also see that hill from our schoolroom window.

The Celebration

of

Jeremiah's Life

The little box/casket that Brian and the children built.

And the flowers that were brought to me while in the hospital by my parents and my brothers family.


Brian prepared such a sweet service with the perfect hymns and scripture. I did not want it to end. The sun was setting and the evening was perfect. Precious memories were made on that hilltop!

Brian talked about how much Jesus loved Jeremiah.

Our first song was "Jesus Loves Me" ~ not a dry eye as we sang.

Brian read scripture:

Jeremiah 1:5

Psalm 73:25,26

We sang "Soon and Very Soon"

More scripture:

I Cor 15:50

II Cor 4:16-18

Hymn: "Victory in Jesus"


Reading of Our Letters

I started off with my letter first. And then I covered his tiny body with the blanket I crocheted for him. It fit perfectly around him. (He was already tightly wrapped in a cotton so his body was not visible. Brian and I chose to not show the children. I know each of them have a sweet imagery of him in their minds and that is what we wanted them to remember.) Then the children randomly took turns reading their letters. After reading the letter they folded it up and put it in his box. Then they put their gift on top of the blanket that he was snuggled in.

Weston giving Jeremiah his cowboy bandana.

Abbi reading her letter

Maggie placing her painted horse figurine in his box

Elizabeth's picture

Caleb reading his letter.

(Go to an older post labeled Memorial Day to read his letter and others)

Tess helping big brother

All of Jeremiah's gifts and letters

Placing him into the ground

We each took a cut flower from the basket and sang "I'll Fly Away"

We placed the flowers on his box

What a beautiful picture! Oh the love that lies right there.

The moment I had long dreaded ~ burying my baby!

Thank you Lord for this intimate and very special time. We love you and know that you have great plans for Jeremiah and our family. Heal our wounds and fill us up with all that You are. Thank you for embracing each of us into your comforting arms.

" The Lord has apperared of old to me, saying; 'Yes I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you. Again I will build you, and you shall be rebuilt - and shall go forth in the dances of those who rejoice."

Jeremiah 31:3,4


The following is the letter I wrote. It brought so much healing to my heart:

Sweet Jeremiah,

I consider it pure joy and an honor to have been chosen to be your mommy. I enjoyed growing you in my womb. I loved that we were inseparable for those 19 precious weeks. I remember the excitement and tears of joy when I heard your heartbeat for the first time ~ it was my 40th birthday and the sounds of your heartbeat were the best gift ever. You were about 12 weeks.

As your mommy, I selfishly want you back in my womb again. I want you to finish your growing and then come straight to my arms and I want to "kiss your face all over the place". (A popular saying around our home) I want you to fall asleep in my arms after your tummy is full of warm mama's milk. I want to comfort you when you are sick or have scraped knees. I want to watch you play games, laugh hard and snuggle your siblings. I want to watch you grow into a godly man. However, God has bigger and much better plans for you and I take great comfort in that. I have peace and a great amount of joy knowing that you are in the arms of our Almighty God.

The short amount of time we had togheter here on earth has changed my life forever. This whole process of losing you (while here on earth) has been difficult. I long for you to be in my arms. But it has also brought a longing for me to be in the arms of our Saviour - even more. Your life has drawn me to Him in a deeper way.

Oh how I love you Jeremiah Zw___! What a privilege to call you my son. I rejoice in your life ~ the short one here on earth and now the eternal life you are now experiencing. I look forward to the day I will hold you tightly in heaven.

You hold a special place in my heart today and forever.

I love you,

Mom

We planted the Mums on the fresh soil. I pray they will grow like wildflowers.

We Love You, Jeremiah!